ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Sometimes I have moments of lucidity - usually in the aftermath of a breakdown, when I am emptied out of tears and emotion, and waiting to be filled with insight, or purpose; in the between times when nothing feels quite real yet. When I have been broken down into small pieces, and reassembled, but the cracks haven't healed up, and I don't yet know if I am the same shape as I was before.
In these moments I can see clearly, but afterwards I doubt whether the clarity was an illusion of my exhausted brain making connections to test out the effect of thought on emotion, a random hypothesis generated to gauge the reaction.
I thought I understood something about people, about the reasons that we stay, or leave, about why for a while we seem to fit, to be matched perfectly like jigsaw pieces until we realise that the picture we make isn't the one we imagined...
I used to believe in true love. I wanted to think that somewhere in the world I had a Soulmate who fit perfectly along the torn edge where I feel something is missing from my life, like the other half of a torn photograph.
In my strange moment of clarity, I thought: what if we don't stay the same shape our whole lives? What if the edge of ourselves where our perfect partner is supposed to fit, is malleable? What if it's possible to be just right for someone, because they are just right for you, at just the right time, but in time, you outgrow one another, the edges of your souls no longer match up? That when this happens, maybe you have created a new line that matches someone else, someone who can compliment your Present Self.
Maybe there is a scientific explanation, genetic compatibility, variable chemical balances: adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin.
Maybe nothing more than desire to fulfil the human need for contact, comfort, warmth.
I don't know. The moment of clarity passed and I am trying to discern shapes in the fog again. The best I can do is guess.
In these moments I can see clearly, but afterwards I doubt whether the clarity was an illusion of my exhausted brain making connections to test out the effect of thought on emotion, a random hypothesis generated to gauge the reaction.
I thought I understood something about people, about the reasons that we stay, or leave, about why for a while we seem to fit, to be matched perfectly like jigsaw pieces until we realise that the picture we make isn't the one we imagined...
I used to believe in true love. I wanted to think that somewhere in the world I had a Soulmate who fit perfectly along the torn edge where I feel something is missing from my life, like the other half of a torn photograph.
In my strange moment of clarity, I thought: what if we don't stay the same shape our whole lives? What if the edge of ourselves where our perfect partner is supposed to fit, is malleable? What if it's possible to be just right for someone, because they are just right for you, at just the right time, but in time, you outgrow one another, the edges of your souls no longer match up? That when this happens, maybe you have created a new line that matches someone else, someone who can compliment your Present Self.
Maybe there is a scientific explanation, genetic compatibility, variable chemical balances: adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin.
Maybe nothing more than desire to fulfil the human need for contact, comfort, warmth.
I don't know. The moment of clarity passed and I am trying to discern shapes in the fog again. The best I can do is guess.
Traces in Time
I almost forgot I existed here once, and I tried to forget the times I tried to make a space for myself here again. I wish I had left it all as an archive, left to dust and bone and shadow. There is too much of me stretched too thin over too many places, and I can't keep up to the pace of time passing at the speed of time. I drift and the stars change position and it is all I can do to maintain the bare minimum of health to do the things that matter. I'm failing. I'm losing. I feel like more of a medical statistic than a person. How many pieces of me can stop working and still house my soul? I am so tired. And it hurts. I have always been in pain but I wonder sometimes if this body has a limit. Everyone has a limit or a cost. There will be a price to pay, and I'm tired of paying in instalments, each successive organ that succumbs, each joint and system, the interlinking whole now a series of failed connections. I too am a failed connection. I can't keep up with the flow of
The Threads Are Almost In Place
We are who we were always destined to become I can see with eyes unclouded The patterns in the weaving Are Becoming We are the architects of our web Beware the crimson spider Who weaves his tangled web The hourglass On your heart Is running It's time For me to turn it over Time For the sand to sing to your soul And the rocks to your bones I wish On stars And they fall from the sky In your name I will show you magick So undeniable You will find a way To call it science We are just waiting On the alignment Of the planets Just waiting To cross our hears And our scars And untangle Our cards From our stars You were always going to be The death of me My demons Love your demons Too
''Ah Lucivar, I can't heal the scars on your soul-
- not yours, not mine. We have to learn to live with them. We have to learn to live beyond them." Did Witch ever find herself caught in tangled webs of dreams not her own, did ever someone try to trap her into a future not her making? Did she ever feel like running away, descending so deep into the Abyss that only the wolves could sing to her, only the foxkin could find her? Did she ever want to change her shape and become Kindred but not Kind? Did she ever think about creating a whole realm she could escape to where all the voices clamouring for her to rise from the healing webs too soon, could not reach her? Did she ever want to go further and further into the Abyss where the Darkness is kind and most of all quiet? Did she ever have to deal with the first circle being confused, wanting things they cannot want because she is promised already to her Fate, her Destiny? Did anyone ever disbelieve her when she said she would know who she'd know when she met him? Did she ever dream of
Webs and Connections
Last night the temperature rose The snow turned to fog And all my memories are grey The Nothing rolls in and My Everything becomes small small small Charcoal etching my name in the night The burn in my throat Isn't enough to stop The words at my fingertips These perilous words Spill like moonlit water And I have no heart To take them back I keep my boundaries By force of will And when words don't work silence must But the lines in the sand Are never bars As the Crow flies I suppose it's true We all break Our rules For someone "I would break my body to pieces just to taste your name" This wasn't what I was planning to write. It never is. But it is what it is and the web weaves and becomes. I place bright-dark jewel stars on the strands and if, at the end, all I have is the whisper of a name, it's enough to have been worth the sacrifice. Another strand it placed in the web. That's all there is really. These beautiful silver connections between us all. Feathers
© 2014 - 2024 VioletRaven
Comments1
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
*grin* There are some of those but also there are things that are far more interesting.. The idea that chemicals are what cause us to do things is.. Somewhat shown in some studies I'd say that there is more too it then that.